Breathing In Water

What elucidates this word, "stalker"?

Can one regurgitate little moments in repition, daily, and not be a Hawker?

Can I crave his touch without feeling as though I am beseting him?

Can one walk away somberly, quietly lamenting him?

Tell me now! I might go mad in my analytics, wondering how I'm coming off.

Is that, in itself what is perpetuating my worry?

Will my worries give birth to a word not yet tagged to me?

Breath, Samantha, Breath. He already said that you weren't sufficating.

What has he done to me? Made me sane by evoking my insanity.

What a beautiful way of Drowning.

Consoling The Selfish-Hearted

More often than not, I become engulfed in the significance of the things that I want, and try desperately to acquire it at all cost; No matter the pain, or suffering. Surprisingly enough, that's usually where it ends for me. Defeated and self loathing.

I wake up in the morning, feeling useless and unimportant, wondering where my life will take me and how I will get there. I dream up what my future will look like, and sometimes I feel like I know how it will all unfold-- Then suddenly, I realize, I'm not looking to God for anything; No prayers, church, or scriptures read by me. I've begun to just assume God will find a roundabout way to lead me where I need to be. I begin to presume that he'll just 'give me a feeling' when things are right or meant-to-be. What is wrong with me? Why on earth should he condone a girl who's simply being lazy? I(we) need to seek God. When I(we) do this he is more than eager to tell us everything and more about what he has to give, and what path to follow. The Holy Spirit is in me, and will give me discernment, but with out a map, directions are hard to follow. The Word is my map, or, should be.

Today I woke up grumpy. I rise out of bed at noon-- Short messy hair, smeared makeup, bad breath, no bra-- and I feel absolutely nothing of beauty. I've started to feel lonely. I question why no boy will have me and replay all the times that men and women have answered with 'lose weight'. Why should that change anything? Has the world forgotten that not everyone is beautiful? Should we tell the deformed to get plastic surgery, and then they'll have a better chance of finding love? What a wretched way of thinking! I begin to cry and ask God what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm walking so aimlessly. My eyes begin to flood with tears when I realize that all I want is for a man to smile and hug me, take me out to coffee, and sing praises in the pews with me. When I realize this, I notice I have nothing. My heart felt heavy and in that moment I remembered God. 'Lord, speak to me.' I went online and typed 'daily scripture' into Google and read the first link that appeared.

Philippians 4:12-13:

¹²I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. ¹³I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Looks like I got my answer.

First impression: Last thought

It all feels like a Lucid dream--
One i can not seem to shake
A sleeping pill I'm scared to take.
He seems to be, the silly, darnedest, Damnedest thing

He's on my mind when I'm awake,
Reappears while I'm on Break.

I can only hope he feels the same--

My fingers tracing every flaw,
The ones that make me sigh in awe,
Oh I just hope he feels the same.

A kiss on the cheek--
makes my knees a little weak
This petty, foolish, simple thing
I think he might know how i mean.

They way you twitch yourself to sleep, hard, but oh so quietly
How sometimes i say crazy things
--I think he might know how i mean.

I start awake and turn your way
Realize that it's not your face, a different day a different place--
I go to sleep and reminisce
Remembering your perfect kiss
The way we met: Jack & Jill Rolling down a muddy hill

I wish i was in bed with you, asleep
Our Morning Cigarette Awaits--
I wish i was in bed with you, asleep.

Enough With The Hostility

I gather with friends from a distant past. They begin to peel out of their cocoons and reveal the vibrant beauty that they never knew they had. All hostility fades to gray as we sort out our differences. I count the heads that rise from the crowd-- My shame and my burdens. Calling them forward to reward them with a farewell kiss, i grant myself this one last pleasure. He shakes his head as a wordless reply, and i whisper, "I swear to you, boy, there is no other woman as beautiful as I." I mean those words with all my heart.
I wonder at times what they see in me; What they've lost and gained over the price of vanity.
Has my reflection been the only vice that broke the chance of an incredible journey? What a foolish way to live and think! Anais Nin once told me, "Each contact with a human being is so rare,so precious, one should preserve it--" Anais spoke nothing, but, truthfully. That being IS me. If any man shall scoff at my imperfections, I will belittle his audacity to approach Gods hand with such obtuse transparency. I am the Harpy who fell in love with her prey-- Disreputedly I stand, admiting such a thing.

Church May 16th 2009-- Sexuality--Family

I walked into the service today, which is a true oddity for me; sitting with my only christian friend, Megan. I decided that there was a reason i had decided to listen to the sermon today, and was anticipating God telling me what i needed to hear. As i think back, i realize i could have simply looked at the handout to figure out what the message would be, but i am now becoming conscious of the fact that it never occurred to me to do so. I sat down, or rather stood in place, worshipping, feeling out of place, nervous of my enclosure-- all these 'Godly' people encircling me-- when suddenly they all felt like family. Tears welled in my eyes and i wiped them away angrily. I wanted this. God wanted me to have this. I needed a family. i needed a male role model, a girl-friend, a support group, and the ubrupt cognization seized me. In this room, i had all of those things. All this time i had felt empty and alone in God's pressance, because in Lynden no one has a 'sad story to tell.' Who could possibly relate to me? God could. God can; all i needed now was good company.
My mood shifted rugedly and i was suddenly angry. Why did i, without warning, feel an uncomfortable antagonization in my heart? Tears began to unwillingly stream down my face, again, and i wiped away the shame of my emotions. I began to realized that i was jipped. I didnt want a stand-in-family. i wanted the real thing. I wanted a Husband who would love me equally as much as he loved God. I wanted children that could experience the 'treasures-of-home' in a way that i was never able to. I wanted my children to have a loving father--palpabley and spiritually. And in this moment i reconciled with the fact that i, frankly, do not love. I detach. i sacrifice my body but lock away my heart and adorations under pad-lock. Who will marry a harlet. i can not be loved when i am rendered 'loveless'. What man in his right mind--? i have not earned such an aggrandized future. I will surely die if i hold my breath.
i sat reclusivley, pulling all my emotions behind the veil i wear vigilantly, and watched Pastor Kim walk to stairs to the stage. "Today we're going to talk about Sexual Sin." My eyes widened. Yup. God lead me into the service today. This sermon was written soley for me! =)
If you were not at the service today, it's a shame. Pastor Kims words, today, were ment for every living being-- If not even for the sake of being transformed into a sexless being for the sake of your future spouse-- to feel less alone in a sex-infested world; an emotionaly severed time-being. Today i realized that sex is ment to be emotional, passionate, intimate, fearless thing-- it gave me hope for the future that i know now God it prepairing for me, and for the healing that he has instiled in the depths of my psyche. I do deserve the fantasy family i described before-- simply because nobody deserves anything. there is no one without sin. God is gracious and kind. He loves us. He wants us to be happy, and he will thus reward us for our faithfulness with the things we do not deserve, but desire. I can not promise that i will not falter in my faith, but i will always return to God when i stumble. He is the first-aid to our inevitable wounds. Everyday is a new page, and i will make my words count, even if they're only written on Blogspot.

Desire&Defiance

What i hate and what i love walk contently side by side.
Aro's point protrudes from my rib, betraying me, as usual.
I see her pouting lips touch mine in a lucid fantasy.
Has this realism been conceded by his infidelity; by their vindications?
My lust becomes a pyre-- the conflagration being set aflame in my eyes.
I am set upon casting out all that is falsely entitled to me.
What i desire and what i detest walk contently side by side.

Perfection

What is perfection?

Is it a marble sculpture that decays beneath the surface, unseen?
Does one find perfection in nature, when it's maimed by its own forces?
When perfection is weaved with imperfection, what trait becomes dominant?
What is beauty, but an impeccable deity? A monarch of untouched perfection.
Who decides what's perfect and what is not? Who nodded his credentials?
Why do we worship this Demigod? It's unattainable, but what ARE we attaining?
Perhaps if we knew what we seek, it should stop tempting.
For, what price does one pay for everything? Does that have a number attached?
Who's to say that we all do not already possess this paramount?
Perfection--is it not--what we have named it to be?
An incriminated suitor that we have already, blindly, wed?

What is perfection?