Come As You Are

I had this dream last night. I wrote it down.

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October

I was in College. I was in the last class of the day, the last day of the week, on the last week of fall quarter. There was a class assignment, for my Dramatic Theater class to write where you thought you'd be in 5 years (career wise). We had to write what Degrees we'd have, how much we'd be making at our jobs, What our job was etc. Our teacher had been on leave for nearly a week and our substitute was a young guy,  26, who'd graduated the previous year. His name was Eric. He had tattoos, overgrown, straight black hair. He had gauges. He was pretty much, was the most attractive 'teacher' humanly possible. Although, I wouldn't notice any of this, until much later. For now, he was simply a Sub. A good one, at that. While he'd been running the class, my enthusiasm for the assignments grew wildly.

I lived in a new place that I'd never been to before. No family. No friends. This was my first week at this particular school. The assignment that was given to us, was unusually hard for me to fill out. We had to "preform" a speech, using the information we had written down, by turning it into some sort of a song. We were graded on performance. My turn was coming quickly. Knowing my Future Paper was nothing to get excited about, I decided to sneak out of the class, go to my car (where I lived, apparently) and change my clothes, so I would look more 'Rock Star-esque'. When I came back, it was my turn. I suddenly was flooded with emotion. I couldn't do it. I had nothing to say. My paper was, so, average, because I didn't know what my future held.

"It's your turn. Are you ready?"
The teacher waited for me to jump up and preform.
I put my head down, embarrassed.
"No. I didn't do the assignment."

He looked at me puzzled. I was normally an active member of the class. He looked concerned over my lack of accomplishment. He knew something was wrong. After class, he asked to talk to me. Everyone shuffled out of the classroom, going to their next class, I stayed behind to listen to his concerns. He furrowed his brow and sat next to me.

"So, what's going on? Is there something wrong?"
I looked at him, smiling slightly. It was hard to take him seriously as an educator. He it didn't seem like he was much older than I was. I knew what was bothering me; why I couldn't finish the assignment. I didn't want to share this information with him, though, knowing it was nothing to concern himself with. I looked at him, very sternly and explained quickly,

"I don't want to talk about it, really. It's kind of... personal."
He stood up and put his arm loosely around my shoulder, urging me to stand, also. We walked out of the classroom and started walking off campus. There was a cafe shop that had been closed for, possibly years. There was no one around, which I think was his intention. He looked at me, worried, knowing I needed to let out whatever I was holding in.

" You can tell me. It seems like it's something you need to share. You can confide in me." He was so honest. I knew he genuinely did care, unlike the vast majority of people who pretend to care, be cause they feel like it's an obligation to do so. My eyes began to tear up. I blurted it out without thinking.

"I think I'm pregnant." I hadn't known for sure, but there were definite signs that this might be true. I wasn't so much upset about the fact itself, but more because, I wasn't with the man who would be the father, anymore (It wasn't clear in the dream, who that was) and I had no family or friends, considering I was so far from home. I had no one to help me. He knew all this just as well as I did. He didn't seem surprised. Not because he thought that I was the kind of girl who'd get knocked up, but because 'sh*t happens' and things like this happen everyday. He decided suddenly that I didn't need to go through this alone.

"My family is in town this week. We're all going to dinner. I want you to come as my friend."
I was at a loss of words. This seemed drastic. I hadn't even said I was sure of what was going on. I'd only said that I might be pregnant. He knew this. He still insisted that I come. He smiled carefree and gave me his phone number.

"You don't have to come, if you don't want to, but we're meeting here." He wrote down an address. "My family will love you, I'm sure of it. They won't mind a bit, that I brought you."

I arrived at the restaurant that Eric had written the address to. It was a small, Irish themed restaurant. I walked in and immediately saw where him and his family were sitting. They were at a large table in a group of about 7 people. He saw me and smiled, waving me over, like we were old friends. I sat down beside him and he introduced me to his family as, 'one of his students', which seemed insulting, considering he wasn't even technically a teacher. I let it slide. He then coaxed me into telling him stories of my outlandish and appreciated methods of participation in the class. He praised my dedication and passion for what was being taught. I suddenly felt very comfortable. I knew that he enjoyed my company and I knew that this would not be the last time we hung out together.

The dinner ended suddenly. I said my goodbyes and started walking to my car, ready to drive somewhere where I could rest. Eric followed me to my car.

"Hey!" I turned around to see a big smile on his face. "Did you have fun?" He looked so eager to please. I had to smile back.

"Yes. You're family is so nice! They're amazing. I had a blast, really. Thank you for asking me to join you guys. I know we're not 'friends'," I made quotations in the air as I said it. He cut me off.

"We are friends, er, we will be." He smiled, once more, pausing for a moment, before saying, "Come hiking with me tomorrow. I go every Saturday. I can show you around, get you acquainted with your surroundings." He was still smiling. I was so pleased that he wanted me to join him. It felt wonderful having someone to keep me company.

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November

The forest was beautiful. (I'm going to say we were in New England, because I really don't know where we were, but considering I've been thinking about Boston all week, endlessly, it seems most plausible.) We hiked up steep paths that lead to forests of birch trees, perfectly spaced, letting the sunlight in, like tiny ribbons. We talked casually, surprisingly, not about school or any other thing that might make one think he was my mentor. We were, simply friends on a hike. He treated me as his equal. I was his equal. We sat on a ridge of rocks, overlooking the vast wood. He smiled at me, unceasingly, asking about every detail of my life, wanting to know as much about me as possible. I decided this was as good a time as any to share with him, the newest development in my life. Something I'd been holding off on, in fear it would end our newly founded friendship.

"I'm not pregnant. I took a test last night." He put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze. His face brightened to it's full potential.

"That's great! I know how scared you were." I smiled forcefully and he could tell.

"What's wrong? Did you want to be pregnant?"

"Oh, no! No, not at all." 

I huffed out a laugh. I settled down, to continue with my explanation to my grim attitude towards the seemingly good news. "I just, figured, you didn't need to pity me anymore." 

He looked at me, confused as to what I was saying. It suddenly clicked in his brain.

"You think I asked you to dinner and invited you to hike with me, because I pitied you..." I nodded 'yes' with a shy, almost embarrassed smile. I realized as he said it, that I was wrong. He started laughing. and gave me a quick hug. I felt my cheeks flush with hot blood, embarrassing me further. I tried to push out a laugh, hoping it would subdue the humiliation. Eric jumped up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to stand.

"Come on." He said playfully.

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 December

The first week of our friendship was unstained and simple.  Little did I know that that would change drastically. Little did I know that I was being kept in the dark, pertaining to a very important detail of Eric's life; Jessica. It was made clear to me at a party that Eric dragged me to. During the last month of school, I had yet to attend and he felt that was unacceptable. 'It's part of the college experience', he'd said. I felt differently, but I humored him. We were walking towards the back of the house when I saw her, glaring at me. I had to take a look around me to be sure. There was no one around me, her eyes were fixated on my face. Eric grabbed my hand suddenly, pulling me to the kitchen, where he spotted drinks. The girl's eyes turned to flames as she began storming over to us. 

"Oh, no, Eric." He turned to look at me, my eyes fixed, like a deer in headlights on the girl heading straight for us. I quickly glanced at Eric, asking silently, 'who is she?!' He answered aloud.

"My girlfriend..." He began sputtering profanities. He smiled as she arrived in front of us, still fuming. She glanced down at our intertwined fingers and I pulled away violently, unaware that his hand was still clutching mine.

"Hey Jess." Eric spoke as if everything was right as rain, which is was, but I could see why it would look suspicious in her eyes. She ignored his greeting completely and directed her attention toward me.

"Who are you?" She didn't sound angry as apposed to just snotty. 

"June." I didn't know how to respond to what she'd just asked, so I responded in the most accurate way possible, by telling her who exactly I was.

"Why are you here?" She glared at me and glanced at Eric, who was unamused.

"Jessica... Hun." Eric spoke with a slight giggle in his voice. I, also, began to smile at her unspoken inquiry. 

"We aren't, like, together... We haven't done anything. We're just friends." I explained. She lightened up a bit, but stayed alert, unsure if she was convinced. She decided to switch suspects.

"Why haven't you called me?" Eric looked totally immune to her rashness. I wondered if this sort of thing happened a lot. Was Eric a cheater?

"I don't know. I've been busy..." I started to drift away from them, leaving them to their couple's dispute. I wandered into the kitchen, grabbed a beer, tearing off the cap and tipping the bottle straight in the air, guzzling, calming my nerves from 'the encounter'. Before I could tear the bottle from my lips, I felt a hand grabbing at my side. Eric's arm was loose around my waist. He was guiding me through the hall, towards the exit. We passed Jessica who, again, glared at me. I thought we'd resolved this... apparently not. I looked at Eric, who's face was like stone.

"Why are we leaving? Is everything ok?" The night air hit me like a train. It was sharp and cold, forming goosebumps all over my skin. Eric continued dragging me towards the street, away from the house. I waited patiently for his response.

"Jessica broke up with me." I pulled myself out of his grip.

"What? Why?! Was it because I was there? I'm sorry..." I stammered.

He looked at my panic stricken face and began laughing, throwing his head back, slightly.

"This isn't funny! I don't want to be the reason you guys broke up!"

"You give yourself far too much credit. It wasn't about you. It was about me." He stopped laughing. He looked remorseful. I felt sad, suddenly. I'd never seen him so temperate before. I opened my mouth to ask further into his personal life, when we halted to a stop. He stared me dead in the eyes.

"I have a reputation. One I can't shake."

Eric was a recovering sex addict. I suppose, when he told me, it didn't seem entirely unlikely. He's an attractive guy. It did shock me, however, simply because, in the few weeks we'd been hanging out, we'd hardly touched at all. Yes, we'd held hands, casually. He gave me a hug every now and then, but we were friends, it didn't seem noteworthy. Now that I knew, it made me giddy, knowing he'd stayed faithful to himself and not given in to temptation, even though, I knew he liked me. We were good for each other, both celibate. Little did I know that he did, indeed, have a reputation that he couldn't live down. He'd been quite the prowler in the couples years before my arrival. It somehow, didn't bother me. He was a new man.

'I went to 12 step,' he'd said, 'I'm fine now, it's just, whenever there's a girl around, people get suspicious. They know what I'm capable of.' In the end, we laughed it off. 'Let people think what they will. We know nothing's going on.' And that was that. 

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February

It was late. A school night. Eric hadn't taught my class in nearly a month. We'd been seeing each other nearly every day, after class and on the weekends, much more frequently that normal. We weren't as much of a spectacle now that he wasn't my 'authority'. Summer was coming quickly. We began discussing 'our' vacation and 'our' Fourth of July. We'd been doing this for sometime, before we realized that we'd become a duo. We laughed until tears streamed down our face. 

"They say we're young and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow..."

"Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause you got me, and baby I got you"

I began applauding, thrilled that he knew the words to the song.

"I got you babe..." we sang in unison. our eyes locked on one another, with dramatized longing in our eyes.
We laughed and then, grew silent. It was a long, piercing silence that grew eerily uncomfortable. Neither of us knew how to break the silence, it was obvious that our thoughts were identical. I cleared my throat in the hopes that it would dislodge some words for me to speak. He beat me to it, thank God.

"What is this?" He motioned towards himself and then me.
"This?" I was about 80% sure of what he was asking, but wanted a further explanation, to ensure that the 20% of uncertainty didn't get the best of the situation.
"Yes," He laughed, "This! I mean, what are we doing here?"
"We're singing Sonny and Cher." I lost all expression in my face. I suddenly grew panicky. I didn't want to put a label on "us", I decided avoiding the question, all together, might be the best plan.
"Very funny, June." His tone was mocking. " I mean, are we... friends... or we d-," he began forming the word 'dating'. I cut him off before we had time to humiliate ourselves and/or ruin what we had.
"Yeah," I smiled, "we're friends." He looked up at me and smirked. I let him down. I could read it on his face. I knew he wanted something more, as did I, but, the way we met and his troubled past gave me an uncertainty about what could ever be between us. 'Friends' was better.

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March

The stares and glares got more bearable with time. They turned into more stares than anything, when people began to realize how long we'd been "together". To Eric's surprise, his reputation began getting less and less relevant, the more we were seen together. Every now and then, while in class I'd get passed a note, or someone would text me with a snarky message:

He doesn't love you. He just uses girls. You're nothing special.

Messages, like these, that are meant to hurt me, defer me, or are more or less, written out of jealousy by girls, I can only assume, have been used by Eric in the past, do nothing but encourage me. It's only when I read these, do I realize how unique our friendship really is. It's only when I get these messages, do I question whether or not I should grab him and brand him, before I lose him. 

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April

It was spring break. It had been a full six months since I'd broken down, in tears, confessing my fears of pregnancy to Eric. We were still the best of friends, but a tension had grown between us. Jessica was the cause of most of it. She'd begun to spread childish rumors about us and threatening to "end us" which seemed impossible, considering there was no 'us' to begin with. We let her comments roll off of us like water on a duck's back, laughing at her nonsense, when one day, her threats became more than either of us could handle.

"Come with me to West Village." (I have no idea where that is, by the way, it was something my mind apparently randomly thought of lol.) I didn't really understand what he was asking. I sat down on a bench in the court yard, getting comfortable before I had to go to my next class.
"How do you always find me?" It was eerie how near he was no matter my location on campus.
"It's not a very large campus and I know your schedule?" He shoved out, quickly. "Anyways, come to West village with me tonight. There's a party. You don't have to drink, I just want you to meet a few of my friends."
"What time?" I was skeptical. The last party we went to, his girlfriend dumped him, I wasn't prepared for another tragedy, when we could simply go play pool or go to the theater, instead.
"I don't know, June," He was getting testy. He really wanted this. I just couldn't agree, at the moment. He thought about it and pulled a number out of thin air. "10:00?"
I slouched and relieved all the air, building in my lungs. "I'll think about it."
He perked up, slightly. At least she didn't say no, was what I could imagine him thinking. I didn't plan to say it, either, I just wanted him to think that I had a mind of my own. I normally agree to everything, so, it was time to prove I did, indeed, have a choice in the matter. Later that night, I'd call him, and 'reluctantly' agree to accompany him to The Village.

The drive to the other side of town, was long and full of normal conversation about our fake knowledge of current affairs and politics, recent movies and music each of us had encountered in the last week and activities that might be fun to do in the future. It was only at this particular moment, driving to this party, that I realized we'd never once (besides his brief confessions of his history) talked about intimacy. This pleased me in some sort of way. I'd never been respected by a man before, unless he happened to be gay, and even then, it was hit or miss.
"I'm hungry. Let's grab something from a station before we get there? Then, maybe I'll stay and have a drink." The last part was what made him agree. It always felt awkward going to a party that neither of us would drink at.

It was dark outside. The city lights flashed like a decorated Christmas tree. The people were the presents I suppose. All different, all shapes and sizes. We must have only been 5 minutes away from our destination, because when we walked into the station, there was a hush of voices and we locked eyes with a few people that Erik knew rather well; Lydia, Molly and Haans. They'd all been in his Political Science class, his Junior year of College. I heard whispers of "is that her?" and "Are they going to Marshall's party?" I was suddenly regretting coming. I felt Eriks hand seize mine, an act of rebellion, a childish statement, proclaiming to all the eyes that he didn't care if  they talked. He then did the unthinkable. He nodded over in their direction, "Hey."

All the nosy onlookers began going about their business. They paid and exited as Erik and I looked over the shelves for our pre-party snacks. We made our way to the register, dropping two Cokes, a bag of Cheddar Pop-corn and a blue pack of Now & Later's on the counter. I busied myself, looking through the magazines, near the door, as Erik (who insisted 'he had this') paid for the goodies. The bell above the door rattled violently as Haans raced back into the store.
"There's some lunatic out there with a gun!"
We heard shouting outside. Haans had made his way past me, to the register, him and Erik were  talking, inaudibly, as I, instinctively turned to walk towards the door. My curiosity had seized me. I was suddenly in a panic. I didn't believe him, in a way and at the same time, I did and wanted to witness it for myself. At the same moment I heard glass crashing to the ground, I heard the clerk yell after me, "Don't go out there!" We all dropped to the ground as the crazed man began firing rounds at the store. I felt a sharp pain in my hand, a burning and stabbing pain. I let out a cry as I screamed for Erik. He slid over to me and grabbed my hand that was now covered in blood.
"Are you ok!?" He asked wildly. He turned my hand over in his. "You'll be fine," He reassured me, "It didn't hit you, it just grazed you." He looked more shaken than I did. He pulled me against him, still laying on the ground, waiting for silence, "You'll be fine." There was a deep gash that went from my wrist, through the webbing of my middle and wring finger. I didn't know where to apply pressure, so, I didn't.

We heard sirens. The man struggled with Officers just outside the door. He appeared to be drunk, angry at everything and at nothing, all at once. I could hear the sound of crunching glass as a Police Officer nonchalantly asked if anyone had been shot. Erik helped me to my feet, "She was grazed by a bullet, but she'll be fine." His face was white. There was no pain anymore, no fear either, just blood.

Erik and I walked towards the ambulence, my face still wet with tears, I began apologizing profusely. "Erik, I'm so sorry... I don't know why I did that..."
"Don't apologize! You didn't do anything. If I hadn't convinced you to come..."
"Stop. I'm fine. I just need some stitches, some bandages, I'll be fine. I wanted to come."
We'd arrived at the ambulence. The EMT told me to sit in the back, to bandage me up and make sure I hadn't been too badly injured. Erik sat beside me, arm around me.
"You can stay at my house tonight." I didn't understand what he was saying.
"Why?"
"I don't know. I just... I don't want you to go home." I knew that it wasn't for me. He felt guilty. He wanted to keep an eye on me. I started to smile. It offended him immediately.
"What?!" He said defensively to my unexpected reaction.
"Nothing, it's just... 'You give yourself far too much credit'..." I smirked, replaying the same words he had spoken to me, the night him and Jessica broke up. He broke out in laughter.
"Whatever." Was his witty response.

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May

After the shooting, everything changed. It wasn't better or worse, really, but there was tension. An unchanging uneasiness in being around each other. Erik sulked. I could read his thoughts, as well as audibly hear the thoughts of everyone around us. His own family began to question his presence in my life. 'You've hurt a lot of girls in the past, Erik,' his sister had said, 'but, this... what happens if you hurt her too? She'll have the emotional scars and physical scars to remind her of you.' Many people had begun fearing for me, saying I was growing too close, for who Erik was; A heart breaker. I had to keep reminding myself that there was nothing between us. We were just friends. I couldn't let myself believe anything else. He couldn't break my heart if I didn't let him handle it.

"We need to talk, June." It was late May, nearly a full year since I'd first seen Eric; 9 months since my pregnancy scare that originally bound or early friendship.

"Hey," I said, ignoring what he'd said, only having half heard his statement, " If I had been right, I'd be giving birth, right about now. Trippy, huh?" I turned and looked at him, smiling, snickering playfully.

"June." He wasn't laughing. He sighed and dropped his head in his hand, coming his hair through his fingers. I was puzzled by his demeanor. Something wasn't right. 

"June." He looked me dead in the eyes. "We need  to talk."

"Um. Ok. Is everything... Alright?" I didn't know what I had done. He looked angry. Tired, maybe. "Are you mad at me?" He shook his head and smiled in a way that one only smiles when they're greatly grieved. The kind of smile you only see before something terrible is said or done.

" Let's go to the cafe, ok? You know the one I mean?" I did.

The cafe was the same as it was the year before: Dirty, barren, and forgotten. It was still uninhabited. We sat in the same place we had before. I wondered if there would be crying as there had been the first time. Would it be me who cried again?

"What's going on?" My voice was calm and steady. 

"I just... I need to..." He couldn't spit the words out. I grew more and more anxious as the seconds rolled by, eager to learn what all this was about, where it was all going.

"I love you." It hit me like a wave. A large unrelenting wave, drowning me. What had I just heard? The look on my face, I'm sure, was not reassuring in the least. I had no reply.

"Uhhm... you, you, love me?" I let out an abrupt chuckle of disbelief. I found myself growing irate with his words. His sudden, unfounded words. "How can you love me? We're just... just..."

"Friends?" He finished.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, nervously laughing, sitting more erect in my seat, "Just friends... I mean, right?"

"No. We're not, Juniper, we're not 'just friends'! You're going to sit here and pretend that this is nothing... that nothing's happened?" His voice boomed. I couldn't tell if he was yelling at me or simply yelling for affect.

"Nothing has happened... what's happened?" My face twisted in disbelief. Why were we arguing? What were we arguing?

"Do you want to me more than that? Is that what this is?" I didn't understand what he wanted from me. There was a long silence as he gathered his thoughts and calmed his nerves with a few deep breathes.

"No," He finally said, "No it's not."

"Then why are we here, Erik?" I sat patiently as I watched him stand to his feet. I stayed seated, unsure if I was supposed to join him.

"I don't think we should do this, whatever this is, anymore." He laughed in that grieving way, once more, brushing his hair from his face, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "I don't want this."

"You don't want what, exactly? Me, or this friendship?" My stomach ached. I didn't know where we went sour. I didn't know what I could do to turn it into innocence again.

" I don't know." He didn't, either. I could tell by the tired look on his face.

"Fine." I stood up and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Have a good summer."

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August

Summer was terrible. June and July passed like a slow train when you're in a hurry to get somewhere. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but working in a video store 9 hours a day, waiting for whatever it was, was exhausting. I hadn't heard from Erik in 6 weeks. He'd graduated his teaching internship a week before school's end. I'd congratulated him via email: No response. I'd given up at that point. There was no use forcing something that will continue to resist. I continued scanning bar codes on DVD cases, waiting for the clock to hit 9:00, so I could stop by the bar and grab a drink before heading home.

The bar was smokey and bare. It was nearly an hour before anybody showed up, which was perfect for me, because I tended to be antisocial in drinking situations, considering I wasn't a real 'drinker'. I chatted briefly with the bartender, about the weather, work, school. Small talk. I took a shot of Vodka and continued talking. People started spilling in like herds of cattle. It was time for me to leave. I took one for the road and waved by to Steve, the chatty bartender and started on my journey.

The sky was a purple black color, almost night, stars only blinking in the dark half of the sky. These were the nights Erik and I talked about, eager for summer for skies just like this. Erik. His apartment was only a few blocks away. I needed to fix this, make it right. Everything was off balance with him missing from my life.

There was a rusty 8 on his front door. I'd only ever been to his house twice before. We'd watched old movies and played Nintendo for hours, before I fell asleep on his couch. I awoke the next morning with a blanket on top of me and a pillow under head. Erik took such good care of me. I knocked. No answer. I could hear voices on the other side of the door. Had no one heard me? I listened more carefully, trying to make out if it was just TV. My pupils constricted as I distinguished the noises. My hands reacted before my brain could digest what was happening. Luck was on my side. The knob turned effortlessly, swinging open. 

I walked deliberately down the hallway until I reached Erik's bedroom door, closed, the voice I'd heard, louder than ever. Without a plan, I swung the door open to find Erik, laying behind Bianca, a Chinese girl who I'd had a class with, laying on her side, facing me, legs widely spread, giving me a lovely view of her and Erik's genitals as they had sex. I felt no anger, no jealously, only acceptance. Erik saw me almost immediately and without a hiccup, continued what he was doing, defiantly. A smile formed on Bianca's face, as if to say, 'We all told you who he was'. With no intentions of stopping their activities, I walked up to Bianca and knelt beside her. She pulled away from Erik, fearful of my complacent demeanor and forwardness. She stared at me, propped up on her elbows, fear in hear eyes. 

"Bianca. You're a beautiful woman, I can understand why he'd want to sleep with you," Bianca's eyes softened in to sadness. I was being nice to her, I could see guilt, rising up inside of her. I grabbed her dress, that was laying in a crumpled mess on the floor beside me and held it out to her. "I need you to leave." She sat frozen.

"Why?" Her voice was small, trying to be brave. Erik was sitting upright, he searched for his pants, upon finding them, he jumped out of bed and wriggled them on. I looked back at Bianca and in a gentle, yet stern voice answered her.

"I love him. Please leave. Now." She wasn't about to challenge me. She slipped her dress on, grabbed her shoes and left. I could hear the front door bounce back on it's springs, not fully closing. 

"June." Erik's voice was shaky. What had happened sunk in suddenly. I had to leave this room. I got to my feet and walked out of his room, towards the front door. "June!" Erik's voice boomed, still shaking. He followed after me. I reached the hallway of the building I slunk to the ground, my back against the wall. Erik walked out into the hall, beside me. He joined me on the ground. 

"June... I'm..."

"Why did you do that? You almost went a year."

"Yeah, I know. That's just who I am." 

"That's bull, Erik. You know that's not who you are."

"Yeah. I know." We sat, like that, in silence for some time. I wasn't angry that he'd slept with her. I was sad for him. I wanted that to be me, someday, but, today, it was her.

" I don't want any of them, you know." I knew he was telling the truth. I knew he wanted me, more than the life he was living.

"Yeah. I know."

"Did you mean what you said?"I looked at him, puzzled. "You love me?" His lips turned upwards, trying to conceal a smile.

"Yes." I smiled and put my head against his chest, nestling into him. "I love you."

In the last five minutes I'd caught him in bed with a woman, told him I loved him and forgiven him. It went without saying that this was it. We found our place. Everything before this moment was irrelevant. He grabbed my left hand with his right and began running his finger along the scar, left from the bullet. 

"June?" His voice was soft and wary.

"Mm?"

"Will you marry me?" I looked up at him with a grin from ear to ear, tears in my eyes. His face looked white with fear, skeptical of any positive reaction that I might have.

"Yes. I will marry you."

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October

We sat at the cafe. Someone had purchased the building and renovated it. It's new name was Lilah's Cafe. Erik was jittery, expecting news that he knew, only I had. I began playing with the silver ring on my wedding finger, stalling. Erik began chugging his water. 

"Why are we here? Is everything ok?" Beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

"No. Everything is not ok." He froze. I could see him recapping the last two months. "Babe, I'm joking. Everything's fine." He let out a sigh of relief.

"Don't do that!" I laughed out loud, he continued venting, "I already think you're crazy for marrying me, I was scared you were going to tell me you made a mistake or something..."

"No, nothing like that."

"Then what is it, Juniper? I'm dying here!" His eyes widen, waiting for my response.

"I'm... pregnant." His face lit up.

"For real this time?" I smacked him on the arm, he began laughing maniacly.

"Yes! For real this time! And it's yours this time, too." I stuck out my tongue teasingly.

We both celebrated with hugs, burgers, fries and milkshakes.

"I love you." He held my hand under the table.

"I love you too."

When I met Erik, he was a recovering Sex Addict. Erik befriended me, thinking I was carrying the child of a man I was no longer in contact with. I married Erik a week after I'd found him in bed with another woman. The funniest thing is, none of that matters. The funny thing is, if it hadn't been for any of those things, maybe we wouldn't be sitting in this cafe, drinking milkshakes, planning our future that's, so far, without blemish. Maybe, just maybe, the past is irrelevant, when there's so much ahead of us.

Good Riddance

The glass is old, distorting my view, out of date and pinching the images like a baggy seam.
The water, in ripples, causing disruption around my bare body, struggling to stay surfaced.
Your words echo through the empty corridors, traveling farther than I'm able to travel;
Always finding their way to me.

I have goose bumps. Needles in my pours, filling me with nonsense.
There's a ringing in my ears, I can not place it's source, like a bug, wriggling through the channels of my brain.
It's useless. The information that's been given. 'Best friend' 'True love' 'Loving memories'.
A hoax that ends with a standing ovation; It's only until after the show you come to terms with reality.

I saw a parade. Balloons and face paint, creating a place called Childhood.
It waved me in, luring me with promises of a tale untold, 
"Leave behind the caravan, be free and be bold!"
I heard you. Your words sent vibrations through my skull.

No, no, be seated, no need to start a ruckus, I'm merely changing time zones.
My eyes are so dry that their lids are curled back.
I will not shed a tear when I leave this desolate wasteland;
The Valley of the Voodoo Dolls?  Stabbing their fellow friend, right where it hurts.
Those of you in waiting, come visit the Dutchland, where we all eat flesh and rot from the core.
Take my place, I willingly step down from this town of pedestals.

Farewell, those who long for something more and fear the unknown.
I'll grasp the hand of insanity and trust the hand of God, as I do what we all dread--
Disappear into a frenzy of new things, in a world where no one knows you by name,
Yet remembers your face, like a map, in a labyrinth of possibilities.

My Curse

My skin crawls with impatient longing to tear out of myself,
exposing what makes me function.
I can feel your jaw stiffen as I envelope you,
trying helplessly to absorb you.

It is out of my hands;
I must acquire it.

Steadfast

"Say it once more. Like you mean it."

"My love, it's only you. It's only ever been you."

Let's break a little silence, man, let's kill some sort of noise.

We'll show the world who's vigil, we'll show the world who's free.

Will you come pining, Sir, someday soon? Let's make it count, like modern art.

Her brain tasted like snow peas and her lips like blueberry scones, 

neither bitter nor sweet.

Kill the juke box, bartender; close the doors so that I may drown alone.

Will you cry for me, die for me, smile for me, live for me?

Neck confined by ribbons of twine, turn away, it's only a sick joke.

Wipe away those tears, I fear I might develop empathy,

sympathy that sits barren.

Return the heart you stole, Mister.

It's rude to leave a guest empty handed.

Wilting in the shade, move to darker caves, growing like mold, 

creating earth and claiming home.

Wake to another day, alone, sheets still cold, 

the indentations of the carapace that kept you safe.

Don't call me young love, Esquire; 

my bones brittle bygones and heart trapped by a cage.

Who drowned in the clouds, but a song bird, 

who's aimlessly wandered on a summers day.

Give it time, make peace, written words, and other such things, bring silence.

Her mind still strays  to those imperial moments, evicted by her constant flurry.

"I don't want you to think it's you, my love, the thought would devastate me."

The city's burned slowly and I've been left in the remains, mourn silently, leave me among the flames.

Gather what's dear to you, I'll stand here, in my designated place.

Gaiety In Promising

   

     There will be a fire in my eyes like you've never seen before, burning through layers of wilting pages of our past. I'll breath smoke, like a bull, fighting a battle I'll never win. I'll fight to the death, because I love you. My heart will beat like a drum, like an Indian's drum, before a war is waged for freedom. A white flag will be risen in the light of morning. New and willing, succumb to you.
     So many selfish years did I ignore your hunger. You ravaged my flesh, till I was bare to the bone. I lay naked, exposed, never knowing a safer home and I let strangers in, to walk freely amongst us. Could I blame you for tiring? Could I accuse you of betrayal? I can do nothing but conquer the monster I've created. This bloody mess, I can not hide, will be cleaned with compromise.
     I'll woman up for your eyes and loosen knots in your gut. You're heart will never pain again, your mind will never ache once more. You will love with a fury you thought you'd lost. Your ears will ring with vibrations of sanguine songs. My lips will tire no more, my eyes will cloud no longer, my body will rest no further. My love for you is undying, alas, my actions speak silently; No more.
    My beauty will astonish you. My amour propre will gild all expectations. My ethics will build applause and you will take me in your arms and forgive me? I love you, my dear, I fear nothing but death and it will soon find me if I can not soak deeply, daily, your ambrosial presence.
     I pine for you, not like a prowler in the shadows, but as a small bird fallen from a secure nest, longing for security in your embrace, after plunging into a world that, alas, was far less than worthy. You'll see, my love, though my longing is with greed, I will be all you could need, all you could want, possibly.


I love you.