It's 15 min till New Years. I'm alone in Jake's grandparent's house and I've decided to recap the last year and proclaim the plans I have for the new one. Fingers crossed, it'll be better than 2009.
--This last year has been an incredible learning/feeling experience. 2009 was a good wake-up call--
* ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
JANUARY 1st, 2009, 12:00am I was with James*. It was cold and I was happy to be there. I couldn't have predicted that I would be getting a New Years kiss that night, but I did. It was phenomenal. It was the start of a liberating year for myself. I would continue talking to James* and I would continue to love every moment of it. Talking to him is/was so taboo, which probably made it more exciting than it should have been. That, in itself, was what inevitably ended me and Ryan's* relationship. I fought with Ryan*. A lot. Although, every hateful thing he felt towards me, in our first month of 2009, began to disappear from his eyes when I started finding out all of his, very own, dirty little secrets. He would never look at me the same after I admitted to what I had done. I would never look at him the same after finding out what he had done. So, It was all as well; We both knew this would be our last year together. We could both feel it. James* became all I could think about. To this day, I can't pin-point why. It wasn't a sexual attraction... but, It was an intimate one. I felt mentally exposed around him. It was a comfortably secure feeling that was foreign, yet, welcome, to me. No matter how "wrong" my friendship with him is/was, I don't regret establishing it. This kid redefined how I wanted to be treated. He changed everything I thought about myself. Brad* was second in line to help that.
Brad* was a huge part of my year... & my life. More than he could possibly imagine. In an unbearably dark, lonely part of my life, I found an unexpected friend. No one has ever been so physically enamored with me. I felt like (pardon the cliche) a princess in his presence. I didn't have a self-conscience bone in my body when I was with Brad*. My whole life I have felt like a monkey in a glass exhibit. Everyone came to admire the creature who was so much like themselves, but not as evolved. Everyone felt safe commentating and ridiculing because they had glass between them and I. Whilst being ridiculed, I could see people ooing and awwing at the lions, gazelles and zebra. Brad* made me feel like one of them; even though I still had a monkey's body. I regret not taking the right actions to keep Brad* in my life.
I was taking baby steps in the right direction, I was only getting there on a very perilous road. If you've traveled much, you will know what I mean when I say, the most dangerous route has the most beautiful view! That has been my experience in befriending, and dating John*. I stopped seeing Brad* as often around the end of May. To compensate for his presence (we didn't see much of e/o while he was finishing school) I began hanging out with Andrea* a lot more. We would drink her bf's more often than not. I finally met John* at the river on the last day of May. We went 4-Wheeling that night and he flipped the Quad. He was embarrassed & felt terrible! I laughed it off and suddenly, we were friends. I cheated on Ryan* with him. That was the last time me and Ryan* broke up. It will be a year in June. We both know we'll never date again.
June was an interesting month. It was the month that made me establish my place as a whore. Or, more or less, It made me realize how insecure and desperate I had become. I craved intimacy more than ever, and it would be the end of me. I wasn't sleeping around, but I was still disrespecting my body and demeaning myself. I was becoming a slave to the Hollywood standard for women. I was letting myself become an object rather than a human being. I suddenly hated who I was. I realized I had become exactly what I was afraid of becoming, my whole life. The worst part of it all was that I ignored this feeling the whole time. I found myself trying to sort out who I had genuinely cared for and who I had used and let use me. I still have a fuzzy idea of who fits in what category. Only now am I putting my foot down. I'm done living that life. Only at the end of the year and the start of a new one do I feel that I owe myself a little more. Even though I feel that way, now, as 2009 has ended, I didn't have such confidence in the last half of the year. I was beginning to see that my life wasn't the one I wanted to lead, but, I still wanted to fill the void I felt without a present father. I still wanted to be with a man. I wanted to be with John*. In October, I settled for Ray*. He settled for me, also. After breaking up with his Girlfriend, I suppose it only seemed natural for us to "hook up" (again, not sex) so we did. I can always expect him to be grabby when he's single and deprived. Never mind that there's no attraction. It's become nice to have one person I can rely on. Sadly this is what it amounted to. I began spreading myself thin, again.
After months of patiently waiting (which is an excruciating task for me), and exerting all my options, I lost hope in John*. Everyone knew he liked me, but they also knew he would never date me. I tried convincing everyone around me, including him & myself, that I could care less if him and I dated. I lied. I became complacent with John*. I decided to let it be what it was. A friendship. I started talking to James* more frequently in the late months of the year. His birthday was in November and I wished him a happy one via text, from the couch of John's* apartment. I missed James*, but knew we could never be more than texting buddies, as did he. It seemed to be the story of my life that nothing ever developed past friendship (or at least a friendship with less-than-par benefits). On the night of James'* birthday, John* and I sat in bed and watched a movie. He kissed me. He pulled away suddenly and asked if I wanted to date him. Not now, but eventually. Shocked and confused (and still sulking over the sad truth of never being able to ever be with James*), I asked what any person SHOULD ask: Why? Long story short we began officially dating a week later. I was thrilled, scared and in shock, to say the least.. When suddenly, I was done. I am done. I now realize what I want & it isn't him. I need someone who I didn't have to compromise my feelings for. Someone I was completely satisfied with and didn't want to change ANYTHING about. John* is a great person.. Only, not for me.
John* was everything I wanted. He was handsome, charming, fun-- He adored me (or, the idea of me), he showed me off to his friends, he wanted me to drink with him and have fun. In the midst of dating him and being, suddenly, submerged in his life, I realized he seemed all too familiar. He was my father in smaller/younger form. All this time, even after writing a "what I want in a husband/boyfriend" list (before I met John*), I thought I knew what I wanted.. But then, when I found it, I saw how wrong my priorities were. I realized that maybe when something is forced, there's a reason for it. This last year has been a plea and a voyage to find and establish anything remotely normal. Now, I don't see the harm in being eccentric. I Don't see the point in conforming to the "ideal" way of dating.
In 2009 I discovered that I CAN be loved by somebody. I found worth, dignity, and respect for myself. I decided in 2009 that life does not have to be hard to live, but that we make it harder by doing the things we know will not help us in the long run. This last year, I have found love for myself. I am beautiful. Not in that cliche "every one is beautiful-- real beauty is on the inside", thing. I mean, I genuinely look in the mirror and see a beautiful person looking at me. That is an epiphany for me. Something I never thought I would ever feel. Something I never want to stop feeling. Even now, I look at the thick scars on my legs, arms and stomach from cutting, and I'm happy they're there. They remind me that God can change any situation. Everything can get better. Everything turns out.. If you want it to.
I want to live purely. I want to live without regrets; specifically regrets that can't be fixed. Things that can change a life forever, but were decided on a whim, but I don't want to live too cautiously. I don't want to be SCARED to make mistakes. I want to do something productive with the time I have. I want to become the best person I can be, which will take a lot of modifying on my part, but I know God will help me do it. I want to live my life the way God intended me to live it. There will be times of hardship in 2010. It's unavoidable. It's life. The way I handle those situations, though, will reveal who I truly am, and who I strive to become. That's what I want people to see when they look at me-- A woman on a mission. A woman who isn't afraid to be herself. Too many people are scared of that, these days. I don't want to be one of them. 2010 will be a year of revisions. I'm scared. Excited. Unprepared. Hopeful. Ready.
Happy New Year.
SmDanieB
