The Asylum

A swell of panic rises in my throat. Choking me speachless. I have been mute for weeks. Too frightened to breath, too rattled to think properly. What plague has come over me? What of fear? "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." What if one becomes it? I shall never escape. Sleep is a welcoming embrace. The unconscious state of being that serves as my only solace. I crawl into a fit of hysteria, like that of a mime. Silent. Distressed. Unnoticed. How shall I be saved from the rapids when my voice is stifled by water that is determined to drown me?  I feel as though the river is shallow yet my feet can not find placement. My mind and limbs work seperately. Madness seemed so welcoming in childhood. The thought, of now, is paralyzing.

I'm being choked and beaten. My hands are the only one's in view. They betray me. My old self lures me, it's arms so inviting. My home is with the many shades of crazy. I can not. That part of me is deceased. Burried. Do I believe in zombies? My scars are shadows. Their memories have not forgotten me.

The world fades. A shadow of mist creeping into a forest of light and sound. My allies become complacent posts. Beconing, only, when I've come into sight. It extinguishes, yet arouses me-- A life of only thinking absently. Quietly, in solitude. It brings laughter to my lips. Maniacal, joyous insanity. I wait. I want company.

This does not feel like release. It feels entrapping. What is this becoming? God, reveal a glimps of hope. Revive my sanity. The road is growing bleak, to me. My past is locked securely. I have no way of knowing into what I am walking.

Who I Love: One-Eight

....This is who I love. Who I will never forget.

You've been seared into my life forever.  

Do you know who you are...?

(Feel free to guess your number. Be confident.)

1.) You Are: MY BROKEN HEART

You were my first attempt. I only loved you because you loved me, then quite suddenly you grabbed hold of me. My first everything. Kiss. Passion. Anger. Grief. What we had meant everything. You broke me in two with your hateful words; sadly it's what I remember most. When in your presence I feel everything and absolutely nothing. I cringe at your kiss, but melt in your arms.We massacred a marvelous thing. We were both to blame.

2.) You Are: MY FIRST ATTEMPT & NEVER FORGOTTEN

You were the beauty in an hour of darkness. The calm of the storm. A sand turned to pearl. I loved you more than art; more than poetry. You never loved me. You knew not how. I watched you breathe life through pain and hate. Creating the most beautiful being. My eyes shattered while watching you scream. I wanted to protect you from everything. Love was not meant for us. Taboo. False hope. I cant give you a family.

3.) You Are: MY ETERNAL DESIRE

You are my perpetual rhapsody. I wasn't good enough for you. I am not the prized mannequin.

If I could grasp perfection, would it change anything? What we have is a radical thing. Friendship abiding. Respect unrelenting. At least, to me. What I would do to hate you fervently. I can not. I long for you, restlessly. It killed me to watch you with her. She was everything I needed to be.

I pretend I'm as important to you, as you are to me. A silver lining. I don't want to change for you. I'll forever love you secretly. For, no one knows that you're my everything. Not even you, I believe.

4.) You Are: MY LONG FORGOTTEN

You left me in my youth. Alone. Trembling in every feeling. Radiating complexity. You never had a reason to hate me. To love me. To need me. I am a thorn in your side. A birthmark you tried to cover, but are never to be rid of. My skin marked white with years of grief, longing for you to comfort me. Rescue me.

Never would you come running. Not in life. Not in near death. I blame you for every tragedy my heart meets. You cut the first wound to mark the way. My love for you remains; an acid turning in my gut.

5.) You Are: MY CLOSE ENCOUNTER

You are the future I am avoiding. Someone I know I could love fervently. I know a heartbreak from miles away. No one has ever treated me so respectfully. So tenderly. So emotionally.

Perfection comes at a steep price, when it's not for sale. I was reeled in to find that there was nothing keeping me. Your twisted form and rugged past enticed me. Soft natured insanity. It seems to me, that you were the last straw. The one who could have been the biggest something. Sadly, that is why I have made you my biggest nothing. You destroyed everything. I stand forgotten and lonely. I still smile foolishly.

I have never been haunted so violently with images of any human being. You are my love of beauty. Imperfect and ravishing.

 

6.) You Are: MY SILLY CRUSH

For reasons unknown, you captured me. Quite suddenly. Your thin form and cartoon face is most appealing. Adorned with metal things. Inked skin and fringed hair. I want to look at you, always. You tease my purposefully. Telling me (falsely) of my 'beauty'. Ravishing. Jealousy. Your messages keep me wondering. Hoping. Flirting. You know that I adore your everything. Why do you taunt me? What I would give to kiss your lips. It would tickle me to the core. I'm inadequate. You're leagues ahead of me. A girl can dream. I'll never stop hoping.

7.) You Are: MY FORBIDDEN AFFAIR
For some reason, you made the most lasting impression on me.  No matter your  motives, I'm glad it happened. I  will never forget the way you made me stop shivering just by touching my arm. You seemed to calm everything in me. When I was with you, I was just me. Relaxed. You made me feel at peace. If he hadn't died, we would never have spoken the way we did. The only good I think came from his tragedy. Some days I wish that you weren't you, so that we could be friends. But other days I'm satisfied. You're a memory never forgotten. Something that scared me and healed me, all at once.

8.) You Are: MY EVERYTHING
When nothing seemed to go my way and fate gave me a shitty hand, you were always there to tell me
I was worth everything and i could be anything. You gave me the gift of books and the love of words. Every good memory I have, you are, somewhere, present. Every hug you've given me, I've felt warm in. Every kiss you've shared is prized in my heart. Every encouraging word you spoke, I've held tight to.
You are the only father I have ever known, and I praise god that you raised me as your own.