More often than not, I become engulfed in the significance of the things that I want, and try desperately to acquire it at all cost; No matter the pain, or suffering. Surprisingly enough, that's usually where it ends for me. Defeated and self loathing.
I wake up in the morning, feeling useless and unimportant, wondering where my life will take me and how I will get there. I dream up what my future will look like, and sometimes I feel like I know how it will all unfold-- Then suddenly, I realize, I'm not looking to God for anything; No prayers, church, or scriptures read by me. I've begun to just assume God will find a roundabout way to lead me where I need to be. I begin to presume that he'll just 'give me a feeling' when things are right or meant-to-be. What is wrong with me? Why on earth should he condone a girl who's simply being lazy? I(we) need to seek God. When I(we) do this he is more than eager to tell us everything and more about what he has to give, and what path to follow. The Holy Spirit is in me, and will give me discernment, but with out a map, directions are hard to follow. The Word is my map, or, should be.
Today I woke up grumpy. I rise out of bed at noon-- Short messy hair, smeared makeup, bad breath, no bra-- and I feel absolutely nothing of beauty. I've started to feel lonely. I question why no boy will have me and replay all the times that men and women have answered with 'lose weight'. Why should that change anything? Has the world forgotten that not everyone is beautiful? Should we tell the deformed to get plastic surgery, and then they'll have a better chance of finding love? What a wretched way of thinking! I begin to cry and ask God what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm walking so aimlessly. My eyes begin to flood with tears when I realize that all I want is for a man to smile and hug me, take me out to coffee, and sing praises in the pews with me. When I realize this, I notice I have nothing. My heart felt heavy and in that moment I remembered God. 'Lord, speak to me.' I went online and typed 'daily scripture' into Google and read the first link that appeared.
Philippians 4:12-13:
I wake up in the morning, feeling useless and unimportant, wondering where my life will take me and how I will get there. I dream up what my future will look like, and sometimes I feel like I know how it will all unfold-- Then suddenly, I realize, I'm not looking to God for anything; No prayers, church, or scriptures read by me. I've begun to just assume God will find a roundabout way to lead me where I need to be. I begin to presume that he'll just 'give me a feeling' when things are right or meant-to-be. What is wrong with me? Why on earth should he condone a girl who's simply being lazy? I(we) need to seek God. When I(we) do this he is more than eager to tell us everything and more about what he has to give, and what path to follow. The Holy Spirit is in me, and will give me discernment, but with out a map, directions are hard to follow. The Word is my map, or, should be.
Today I woke up grumpy. I rise out of bed at noon-- Short messy hair, smeared makeup, bad breath, no bra-- and I feel absolutely nothing of beauty. I've started to feel lonely. I question why no boy will have me and replay all the times that men and women have answered with 'lose weight'. Why should that change anything? Has the world forgotten that not everyone is beautiful? Should we tell the deformed to get plastic surgery, and then they'll have a better chance of finding love? What a wretched way of thinking! I begin to cry and ask God what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm walking so aimlessly. My eyes begin to flood with tears when I realize that all I want is for a man to smile and hug me, take me out to coffee, and sing praises in the pews with me. When I realize this, I notice I have nothing. My heart felt heavy and in that moment I remembered God. 'Lord, speak to me.' I went online and typed 'daily scripture' into Google and read the first link that appeared.
Philippians 4:12-13:
12I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Looks like I got my answer.
