I walked
into the service today, which is a true oddity for me; sitting with my only christian friend, Megan. I decided that there was a reason i had decided to
listen to the sermon today, and was anticipating God telling me what i needed to hear. As i think back, i realize i could have simply looked at the handout to figure out what the message would be, but i am now becoming conscious of the fact that it never occurred to me to do so. I sat down, or rather stood in place, worshipping, feeling out of place, nervous of my enclosure-- all these 'Godly' people encircling me-- when suddenly they all felt like family. Tears welled in my eyes and i wiped them away angrily. I wanted this. God wanted me to have this. I needed a family. i needed a male role model, a girl-friend, a support group, and the ubrupt cognization seized me. In this room, i had
all of those things. All this time i had felt empty and alone in God's pressance, because in Lynden no one has a 'sad story to tell.' Who could possibly relate to me? God could. God can; all i needed now was good company.
My mood shifted rugedly and i was suddenly angry. Why did i, without warning, feel an uncomfortable antagonization in my heart? Tears began to unwillingly stream down my face, again, and i wiped away the shame of my emotions. I began to realized that i was jipped. I didnt
want a stand-in-family. i wanted the
real thing. I wanted a Husband who would love me equally as much as he loved God. I wanted children that could experience the 'treasures-of-home' in a way that i was never able to. I wanted my children to have a loving father--palpabley
and spiritually. And in this moment i reconciled with the fact that i, frankly,
do not love. I detach. i sacrifice my body but lock away my heart and adorations under pad-lock. Who will marry a harlet. i can not be loved when i am rendered 'loveless'. What man in his right mind--? i have not earned such an aggrandized future. I will
surely die if i hold my breath.
i sat reclusivley, pulling all my emotions behind the veil i wear vigilantly, and watched Pastor Kim walk to stairs to the stage. "Today we're going to talk about Sexual Sin." My eyes widened. Yup. God lead me into the service today. This sermon was written soley for me! =)
If you were not at the service today, it's a shame. Pastor Kims words, today, were ment for every living being-- If not even for the sake of being transformed into a sexless being for the sake of your future spouse-- to feel less alone in a sex-infested world; an emotionaly severed time-being. Today i realized that sex is ment to be emotional, passionate, intimate, fearless thing-- it gave me hope for the future that i know now God it prepairing for me, and for the healing that he has instiled in the depths of my psyche. I
do deserve the fantasy family i described before-- simply because nobody deserves anything. there is no one without sin. God is gracious and kind. He loves us. He wants us to be happy, and he will thus reward us for
our faithfulness with the things we do not
deserve, but
desire. I can not promise that i will not falter in my faith, but i will always return to God when i stumble. He is the first-aid to our inevitable wounds. Everyday is a new page, and i will make my words count, even if they're only written on Blogspot.
